A new world needs new gods. If new gods are going to arise, why shouldn’t one of them be you?
Welcome to eternity.
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Since 2004 the Apotheosis Institute has been helping people just like you to become the gods they deserve to be.
Your world awaits.
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What is included in this package?
For the one time price of $9.99 you will get a handsome certificate (suitable for framing) declaring that you are indeed a divine being. Your name will be added to our database in the company of the world’s best-known gods. Odin, Thor, Zeus, Krishna, Shiva, Buddha, Isis, and Osiris, and many other big-name gods will be listed alongside your name as bonafide deities. You can choose a particular topic or interest of which you are God or Goddess; be the God or Goddess of Bowling, Chocolate Fudge, or Chicago if you like! You will get all the perks and benefits listed elsewhere on our site, along with the power to create and dominate your own religion! Once The Apotheosis Institute certifies your godhood, you can decree whatever doctrine you like. Have fun!
Why Should You Be a God?
Are you bored in your current job?
Are you good at multi- tasking?
Do you always need to be in control?
Do you enjoy being worshipped?
Do you like making decisions that determine the fate of others, but don’t have time for that pesky medical degree?
The answer to all your worries in only one word: APOTHEOSIS.
a·poth·e·o·sis: n. [Gr apo-, from + theos, god] the act of raising a person to the status of a god; deification.
Yes, YOU can be a God. For the small fee of $9.99, you can get a handsome non-accredited certificate declaring you to be a divine being.* It is 100% legal, with no requirements, and no commitments. The Apotheosis Institute can elevate you to the status of a deity, in much the same way that Nebuchadnezzar, Julius Caesar, Alexander the Great, Ghengis Khan, Peter the Great and Louis XIV were hailed as Gods. It is amazing the things you will be able to accomplish when you have documentation certifying you are one of creation’s most heavenly, holy, and almighty creatures.
There are many perks to joining the pantheon of gods. With your godhood, you will enjoy many legal, monetary, and social advantages. You will be privy to the same tax exempt status as all other superhuman beings.** You will be able to legally accept money for your services.
As a God, you can:
- Forgive Sins
- Demand Sacrifice (including Vestal Virgins)***
- Lay hands upon the sick and elderly (and the not-so-sick and elderly)
- Bestow blessings upon your followers
- Declare curses on your enemies
- Smite heathens****
- Command the Elements*****
* This certification in no way offers, promises, or guarantees the addition of any supernatural powers, miraculous abilities, or god- like attributes of any kind.
** Which is to say, none.
*** Good luck with that.
**** Be aware that the heathens may smite you back.
***** Whether the Elements obey you or not is another matter entirely.
What Kind of God?
What Kind of God Are You?
There are limitless opportunities in the panorama of god or goddesshood; you can be whatever kind of deity you choose. Many would-be gods settle on a particular type or historic tradition, styling themselves as additions to an existing pantheon or appealing to aparticular demographic. Here are a few popular suggestions:
Types of Gods
Many gods choose an area of interest, becoming a sun god, god of hunting, farming, commerce, mountains, seas, or anything else you can think of. There can be more than one of each, as a quick comparison of various pantheons will illustrate. You could choose to follow in the footsteps of Apollo, Athena, Thor, Freya, Bast, Anubis, Oro or Pele, as the mood takes you. A few possibilities:
War
Always a favorite, you can join the likes of Ares, Tu, Chamunda, Horus, Anann, and Tyr. Being a war god usually includes a number of ancillary patronages including strategy, courage, horses, loyalty, victory, weaponry, and even farming and cities. You can pretty much cram whatever you like under this heading, since war is often the first choice when action is required. You get to wear armor, carry weapons and stomp around a lot.
Love
Yeah, baby! If your major goal in aspiring to godhood is to get horizontal with somebody, Love God(dess) is just the ticket. And you get to set the rules, because you’re the deity! Think Xochiquetzal, Venus, Kama, Ishtar, Bilquis, Eros. There are worse ways to spend your days.
Wisdom
If you’ve got a head for business, economics, academics, science or history, God of Wisdom might be for you. Certainly there’s Athena and Odin, but also Tir, Ogma, Wengchang Wang, Thoth, Nabu, and Anihita. You can also cover the arts, writing, languages, and a wide variety of handicrafts, or chose to specialize in a particular subset.
The Sea
Are you a sailor? Take advantage of it! You could be the next Poseidon, Chalchiuhtlicue, Llyr, Mazu, Tefnut, Ahti, Kanaloa, or Samundra. If you like, you can also be god or goddess of water, life, weather, travel, lakes, rivers, ships, trading, or any related topic, or just choose to be a sea monster like Scylla or Charybdis.
Wine
Party on, Garth! If you like a good revel, god of wine might be just the ticket. Of course the most famous god of booze is Dionysus, AKA Bacchus, who was also the god of madness, celebration, winemaking, the harvest, theatre, chaos, fertility, and just generally having a good time. He is the god of misfits and oddballs, and the god of the dangerous and unexpected. If that’s your jam, sign up now!
Death
You can emulate Hela, Ereshkigal, Arawn, Yeomra, Izanami, Osiris, Persephone, Kali, Aipaloovik, or many others. Being a god of death lets you cover a lot of other topics, including wealth, seasons, fire, lightning, and various ways of dying. If you like to dress in black, if people already think you’re a little scary, this might be the way to go.
What’s Your Style?
It’s not enough to just choose a topic or catergory; aesthetics are also involved. Style is what’s going to bring in the followers! If you want to be a god who wears leopard print yoga pants and a sequinned fez, go for it! Or consider following one of the long-established traditions for gods and goddesses. Here are few popular pantheons and ways to approach godhood; if one of these doesn’t suit you, just make up your own.
Old World Pagan!
Favored by those with ties to the British Isles, whether your thing is Harry Potter or Game of Thrones, you can’t go wrong with the British Pagan Stonehenge tradition. Advantages: you never have to justify your mood swings. The downside is your places of worship are generally made of stone and have lousy seating, plus it’s too cold.
Greco-Roman!
Lots of drinking and getting laid, though the downside is that your exes all talk to each other and the alimony can be hell. Plus you may have some of your offspring trying to kill you, so you better have a list of quests for them to go on… out of the country is out of your hair.
Norse!
Do you like fighting and fornicating? This one’s for you. Upsides: funky helmets and battle-axes. Downside: winter on steroids.
Egyptian!
Here’s one to capture the goth crowd. It’s all sex and death, plus weird animal heads. Downside: making a mummy is kinda gross.
New world Pagan!
Lots of barbecues on the beach with girls in skimpy outfits, and you get a cool hat. Downside: volcanoes.
Old Testament Pagan!
Lots of cool gold jeweled stuff and statuary, plus you can always justify your mood swings. Downsides: Locusts, rivers of blood, cranky bearded dudes with crooks screwing with your labor force.
Modern New Testament!
There’s a lot of sharing and caring, which many people like but only if it’s in the abstract. Downsides: Lots of dudes in polyester with bad hair– sometimes that’s polyester too– taking credit for stuff you did. Also you might be forced to spend way too much time in Branson Missouri.
Primeval!
Anything goes with this one, in the offices we like to call it freestylin’. Crazy weather? Getting naked? Throwing deer entrails at the relatives? All good! Get your Cro-Magnon freak on and make up any nutty creation story you want. Bearskins make a bold fashion statement. Downsides? Well, let’s be candid about your flock– there’s a lot of back hair and not much bathing.