Are you bored in your current job?
Are you good at multi- tasking?
Do you always need to be in control?
Do you enjoy being worshipped?
Do you like making decisions that determine the fate of others, but don’t have time for that pesky medical degree?
The answer to all your worries in only one word: APOTHEOSIS.
a·poth·e·o·sis: n. [Gr apo-, from + theos, god] the act of raising a person to the status of a god; deification.
Yes, YOU can be a God. For the small fee of $9.99, you can get a handsome non-accredited certificate declaring you to be a divine being.* It is 100% legal, with no requirements, and no commitments. The Apotheosis Institute can elevate you to the status of a deity, in much the same way that Nebuchadnezzar, Julius Caesar, Alexander the Great, Ghengis Khan, Peter the Great and Louis XIV were hailed as Gods. It is amazing the things you will be able to accomplish when you have documentation certifying you are one of creation’s most heavenly, holy, and almighty creatures.
There are many perks to joining the pantheon of gods. With your godhood, you will enjoy many legal, monetary, and social advantages. You will be privy to the same tax exempt status as all other superhuman beings.** You will be able to legally accept money for your services.
As a God, you can:
- Forgive Sins
- Demand Sacrifice (including Vestal Virgins)***
- Lay hands upon the sick and elderly (and the not-so-sick and elderly)
- Bestow blessings upon your followers
- Declare curses on your enemies
- Smite heathens****
- Command the Elements*****
* This certification in no way offers, promises, or guarantees the addition of any supernatural powers, miraculous abilities, or god- like attributes of any kind.
** Which is to say, none.
*** Good luck with that.
**** Be aware that the heathens may smite you back.
***** Whether the Elements obey you or not is another matter entirely.